These are some types of Debaters whom I typical encounter on the circuit. Have you met them too? I think I will just let them do the talking. I am sure you recognise some of them too.
1. The Emergency Room
Why must I do EVERYTHING??? Okay okay. Must remember to challenge the definition and point out that the clarification is so unfair. Where is my red marker that I use for definition issues? Argh. My third speaker has it. Why is my First speaker not giving POIs? Poke Poke Poke… Go! Go! Crap! The opponents are running the argument we didn’t anticipate! I knew we should have prepped more on this case. Where’s my ruler? Ah crap! There goes on the water bottle onto the floor. And it’s leaking! Leaking!
Okay. I can wipe the water off using my right foot and some tissues. Wait! The coach is saying something. Must… Concentrate … on … Shape … of … Lips… Okay. Coach is saying “Be sure to advance the case at 3 minutes and 30 seconds or else there will be no dinner for you.” I am sooo on top of that. What do I say about their second point through? Help me, first and third speakers! Help! Okay. Not you, First; you have bad breath. Just keep giving POIs. Arrrgh. Damn the ceiling fan! My notes are flying away! Catch them! Catch them! Aw nuts… One sheet just slammed into the judge’s face. Ah, crap.
2. The Boiler
Did you just say what I think you just said? WHAT? How dare you insult the integrity of the Native American people? Grrr… I don’t care if my parents came from China and India by way of Malaysia. That was still an INSULT!
It was going to be a nice friendly debate but noo…. You had to go and make it personal! And yes, tariffs on iron ore is a very personal issue to me. Once I have wiped the foam from my mouth, I am going to wipe the floor with you! Hmm. Why am I turning green?
Don’t you people care? Can’t you see I care deeply about salary caps on professional athletes? Oh my goodness. The way these multimillionaires are mistreated makes me furious! Why is there so much injustice in this world? Argggggggggggh. Debater SMASH Opponent! Debater CRUSH!!!!
3. THE MEGAPHONE
CAN YOU HEAR ME?
I WILL MAKE SURE YOU CAN HEAR ME. I WILL WIN THIS MATCH AND YOU WILL LOSE. DO YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE I AM LOUDER THAN YOU WILL EVER BE IN THIS LIFE TIME. FOR TRAINING I GO TO THE BEACH AND SCREAM AT THE WAVES FOR GOODNESS SAKE.
DON’T YOU KNOW THAT UNLESS YOU REACH OUT TO EVERYONE IN THE ROOM, YOU WILL NOT CONVINCE THEM? REEL FROM THE POWER OF MY VOICE, YOU PUNY OPPONENTS.
A MICROPHONE? YOU ALL NEED TO USE THE MICROPHONE? WHAT AN INSULT! I AM THE MICROPHONE, DAMMIT. WHOA, THE JUDGES ARE WINCING AND POINTING TO THEIR EARS…
OMG!!!!!!! THEY MUST BE SAYING THEY CANNOT HEAR ME!!!! MUST GET LOUDER!!!
4. The Speeding Train
*gasp* *choooooke* *sputterrrrr*
5. The Clueless
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Okay okay. So I am the 2nd speaker so I am going up next after my 1st. What? Oh. Their 1st speaker goes before I do? Whoops. Better slink back to my chair.
Oh yeah. I guess I need to rebut their case! LOL! Hmm. Wait, what did they say about my 1st speaker’s case? I think I missed that. Never mind, don’t think it was so important. Something about a challenge? I’d say!! Debate sure is challenging!!!
Now my third’s trying to say something to me now. My third’s so good looking. *sigh* If only we weren’t teammates, there are so many possibilities. *grin*. Whoa… How did I end up on the podium? Okay. Better start my speech. Do I rebut first or deliver my case first? I think I’d better deliver my case first since I’m better at that. Hmm. My coach is trying to signal something to me. What is it? What is it?
Oh phew. No. Coach was just sobbing into my teacher’s shoulder. Haha. Coach gets soooo emotional for the strangest things.
Okay! My speech is done! Time to sit and enjoy the rest of the match! Awww. The other team’s 2nd speaker just whispered ‘thank you’ to me just now. I guess they thought my speech was good too. They are such nice people. Debate is so fun!
6. The Conscript
I wanna go home.
It’s Friday night at 8.30 pm for goodness sake. Why am I stuck here with all these geeks and nerds who seem strangely excited to be in empty classrooms arguing with each other? I wanna go home.
All I wanted to do was to join the drama club, do a few plays and maybe channel my inner Hamlet. Why am I stuck with a bunch of hams that seem to love arguing for its own sake? Why did the teacher force me into this??? I wanna go home.
I have a ton of homework to do and still have to go to the class party and also the cast party later. When I asked my teammates which party was better, one said Democrats and the other said New Labour…ffffffuuuuuuu….. Sigh. I wanna go home.
Okay. The judges are here and they look just as tormented and besieged as I do. Let me know just read this script out and then sit back down. Yay!! We can all go home! Home! Home! Home!
7. The Narcissist
Good morning everyone, let me just tilt my head a little so that you can all see my best angle before I begin my speech. See this immaculate haircut? Cost me $100 but it’s totally worth it, right? What? The coach is begging me to start. So let’s go. Must walk slowly up to the floor. I got this. I got this. Blue steel. Blue steel.
Ladies and Gentlemen, today I am here to …. Whoa. What sweet melody is this? What siren song? It’s… It’s my voice! Who knew I had such a delightful, fantastic voice?!? Oh my. This just cannot get any better. Can everyone hear me? Can everyone SEE me? Alright! All of you are surely blessed to be my presence!
Oh wait, we lost the match? That’s okay; I think I was the best speaker in the match. What? The best speaker was the ugly tramp from the other team? Well, I think the judges really wanted to give it to me but did not want to make the other speakers feel bad. A little affirmative action never hurts, I guess.
Damn, my voice sounds good even when I am just thinking. Alright, everyone… who wants autographs?
8. The Scaredy Cat
Eeeeeeeep. It’s my turn to speak. I really, really don’t want to go up. Why did I even volunteer for this? I can’t believe I let me teammates talk me into speaking this round. Just focus on my toes. Just focus on my toes. Okay. Speak.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP. What was that??? Ah. A POI. *pant* *pant*. Why must they be so sudden about this?!? Can’t they give me a warning? EEEEP. Another one!!!! Okay okay. Just keep shaking my head. The bad people will stop bothering me soon. What was it the guru said? Oh yeah…. Just chant the mantra… Om mani padme hum… Om mani..
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP. What was that??? Ah… the bell, okay okay. That was so sudden….. ARGH. I have not said anything yet! Oh no. Oh No. OH NO. I.. feel light-headed. Damn this corset. Wait a minute. I am not wearing a corset. I ….
Hmm. How come I can see the ceiling fan? And .. And…
The floor is so cold.
9. The Jack in the Box
Point of Informaaaaaaaation!!! No? Okay. Wait for it. Wait for it. POI!!!! Ha. Not yet? Alright. How about… NOW! POINT!!!! No? hmm. Alright. Alright. Bet you won’t be expecting…. THIS! ON CHICKENS!!! CHICKENNNNSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!
10. The Intellectual
Everyone here is an imbecile.